"Bistinguish" Senator Sir! We Are Your "Fati" Boys

Beastinguish Senators! 

The Nigerian political terrain is one where the good, the bad and outright ugly find equal space to thrive. In the mainstream, there are a few real good fellows. However, the genuine one are often very difficult to identify because there are too many characters whose stock in trade is to mimic their nature by pretending to project the belief that they are for service. Inwardly however, they see political offices as fortresses with protective covers for the pursuit of self aggrandizement. Most politicians fall into this category and they thrive more leaving others to depend on their goodwill for survival. 

Because survival is the name of the game, the political organogram is so patron-dependent that from top to bottom. Thus while those in the main stream are generally believed to be fleecing the system ceaselessly, those without offices have deviced ingenious ways of extracting from them without any moral qualms. That way, the reign of dependency thrives as hangers-on find ample space to thrive within.

They are always around party functions, swarming around like bees around every office, office holders and everyone else, to grab a pound of flesh. Those in this group is the subject matter here. 

Most often, it is easy to identify them at functions, comprising street-smart political foot soldiers most of whom have no formal education or training. No political and or social event ever takes place without their knowledge. Once notified, they swoop on the venue and strategically position themselves in groups in ways that make it almost impossible to miss the coming and going of big shots. Any attempt to chase them away could cause mayhem.

Depending on the occasion, they know how to latch on their point of focus before deploying target and event-specific phrases designed to wake up individual ego to heaven's height. This reporter was privileged to see them in action at the All Progressives Congress, APC, national headquarters, Blantyre street, Wuse, a few days ago. 

Arising from some testing issues affecting the party, the hierarchy summoned a quick NWC meeting to sort them out. In ways too synonymous with such political gatherings, the meeting stretched from early evening to the wee hours of the next day. Yet, all the throng, who identified themselves as 'Fati Boys' (Party Boys), stayed put.

While some placed themselves along the parking areas along the Blantyre thoroughfare leading up to gate to form a trap around party members who could not park their cossy rides inside the gated secretariat, the bigger boys manned the entrance area to ensure that they never missed the big party guns as they make their way out. The effectiveness of the dual strategy will only begin to manifest as soon as the event ended. 

In no time, the boys at the generally street end swooped as quickly as they noticed the vehicle owner seated and ready to go. While some would stand loosely in front of the affected vehicle, between two to three would crowd around the driver's side and demand for something for the boys in ways that leave the owner without much options. Once given, they simply melted away. 

At the big boy's end, the Fati Boys acted more daringly by dashing right in front of the big party wigs' flying wheels as they made to go out. While at it, they would chant, "Bistinguish (Distinguished) Senator", "Bistinguish Honourable", "Honourable Bistinguish Leader," "Honourable Excellency Sir," "We are your Fati (PARTY) boys." They won't stop or let go until something gives. While at it, they subtly ensure that all vehicles on line remain stuck in one spot. By some unwritten code, no guard or security intervened. 

In amazement, this reporter watched as they milked practically everyone except a few. One of the few lucky ones (actually, they didn't bother him as such) was the House Leader, Hon (Prof) Julius Ihonvbere. For whatever reason, the crowd neither jumped on him as he made his exit on foot from inside the secretariat to where his car waited for him outside the party's gated edifice. The few that bothered to hail his "Bistinguish" eminence withdrew quickly as he made his way into the back of his car as if he was some sort of "Aka Gum". Of course, he zoomed off without even looking anywhere else but straight ahead. 

The situation was practically the same the next day at his office at the National Assembly complex where the party conducted the second phase of its screening exercise for all its aspirants in the Edo 2024 governorship election. However, while the event at the party secretariat was one that had easy to identify errants (errand boys), the second one opened up a new side of the phenomenon.

Here, well dressed young and the not so young crop of men, milled about, often mistaken for individuals with legitimate businesses in the facility. They appear harmless until they set their eyes on their targets usually during an interview. Therein the leeches in them would quickly manifest. 

Another remarkable difference in their modus operandus is that the greeting mode is unlike the one at the party secretariat. Instead of phrases like "Bistinguish Senator", the singsong was, "Your Excellency sir", "Governor-in-wait," Number-One-Citizen,". However, once money changes hand, another group would materialize from the blues, and as the first one melts out. The new group would then begin to harangue the aspirant with claims about being from his/her constituency. But the lie is easy to detect by asking them questions about any particular figure from the said constituency. However, the first and second sets have something in common. Whenever they felt a dead end, something not coming on time, they would resort to subtle appeal, the bait not hidden.

"Your Excellency, your boys are loyal o." They would cooed for the "koko" to fall. Once delivered, they head back to the next victim. Largely, they succeeded in fleecing a number of the screened aspirants except a few, one of whom (named after a stealthy carnivore) claimed to be a receiver than giver. A few others begged their way out, claiming they didn't expect to find the boys in the office. 

While the experience was not entirely strange to this reporter, it was one from which he learnt new vocabularies, the same way former President Olusegun Obasanjo learnt new Yoruba phrases, "O lu Le" and "E mi L'okan", from Awa Presido. At least, I am now familiar with "Bistinguish" (or is it Beastinguished?) and Fati (Party) Boys. That is in addition to the more prevailing "For-the-Chair-there" salute down South-South. There may be more to learn yet. 

Shun Sir!